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Grylls Land
INCOMING TELEGRAM FROM FUTURE--'' ''"Hello, I'm contacting you from the year 2035. Yes, really. And don't start going on about how I'm going to fuck up the timelines by telling the past about the future because I don't give a baboon's arse. And crying about it ain't gonna make it better so get on with it. These logs are 100% real and are not faked, if you don't believe me then you're an idiot." ''- A Weirdo'' LOG #1, MAY 20th 2030 - ''"The New Leader"'' Seconds after a man called Julian Jones had his 243rd botox injection and a shrivelled up old prune on a wheelchair called 'SOM' came wheeling out of a hospital, Bear Grylls is elected leader of Earth due to going in ice naked once on TV. In the election to become leader of Earth, Bear Grylls was up against an annoying old fuckwit called Nigel Travioli and a ridiculously muscly man who had muscles the size of two double decker busses and a head the size of a KP salted peanut, Terrel Agolo, whom both were grossly under-prepared to become leaders, so Bear won easily. Everyone cheered and was happy that King Bear was elected...until he put his rules in place. Some of the new rules he put in place were; Everyone must live on barges on the Thames, even if it became clogged. All drinks on earth are replaced by urine-based beverages, such as Bear's personal favourite Pisspi Cola, or fecal matter juices such as 'Faeces-Flavoured-Fudge'. And all cups and mugs are to be replaced with snake skins. To Bear's surprise, the public were outraged and staged several riots. However, there were some rules that the public didn't give a shit about such as filling the undergrouned city of Trollopolis with cement, and Bear taking over Mr. Jones' mansion in Rome as his new palace, along with his total savings (5 trillion pounds). He also created a new machine for him to pilot, the Mecha Bear 9001; a huge robot bear that King Bear pilots to destroy people who don't drink their own piss. LOG #2, SEPTEMBER 5th 2030 - ''"Statue of Grylls"'' The Statue of Liberty has been destroyed. On the morning of August 2nd, the Mecha-Bear shot a laser, perfectly hitting the Statue in the head, causing it to explode. A month later, it has been replaced by a massive statue of King Bear. Inside the beastly statue's head is a luxury dining suite from where King Bear can feast on his favourite dish; the good old roast dinner, but with a Bear Grylls twist of course - the roast potatoes are roast faeces chunks, the gravy is boiled piss, and the meat is the flesh of the protesters. Sometimes, if you look hard enough, you can see King Bear feasting through one of the statue's eye balls. However, the Liberty Island, now called Grylls Island, is strictly private. Tourists will be shot. LOG #3, DECEMBER 15th 2030 - "Grylls Land" King Bear announces that planet Earth is to be renamed planet Grylls Land, and that countries are now to form one massive continent called Gryllstopia. This is also the day that King Bear unveils the new flag for Gryllsland. His government has also created a Grylls Land flag the size of Australia to hang in space. Unknown to Bear, this was the day aliens would visit Earth for the first time, but when they saw that flag, they immediately turned around for Mars. LOG #4, JANUARY 4th 2031 - "Help Us" It has been revealed that Nigel Travioli was in the lead in the votes of the election, but was in fact last seen skipping into a dark alley way being unknowingly followed by two thugs, one of them had muscles the size of two double deckers. Nigel was never seen again. Can anyone stop King Bear and restore Earth to its former self? Probably not. To be continued...